I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
worst night to have a conscience
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
