You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
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