dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
My vagina is officially offended.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
The ass gains better be worth it
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