I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Randomize
