i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
do nipples grow back?
Randomize
