ya dads aren't the best wingmen
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
