Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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