i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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