There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
The ketchup exploded, and totally splooged his face and the wall. You could see the outline of his head in the wall splatter.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Randomize
