Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
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