I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
