My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
