Are we in a gay sports bar?
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
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