i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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