Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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