I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
