hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Randomize
