Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
