Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize