I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
