We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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