Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
