I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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