I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
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