4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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