Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Randomize
