Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
Randomize