ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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