I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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