so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
My vagina just recognized that song.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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