Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Wow thanks 4 throwing jello at me an yelling who invited that guy to all the guys at the bar
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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