I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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