i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
It was like a baby arm holding another baby arm holding an apple grove. Fuckin huge!
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