The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
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