come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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