On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
