I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I missed Saved by the Bell this morning, but Ashley in a later episode of Fresh Prince is keeping the morning wood alive.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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