I don't usually arrange sex via text message
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
There's always time for handjobs
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
