i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
