I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
names aren't important. just tell him all you want is a lil make out sesh and keep it moving.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
She was lying on the table chugging back something when the table broke
She kept going
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
