I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
