Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
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