im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
