I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
sarcasm needs its own font
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
