The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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