If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Can I use cash for clunkers to trade in her boobs for a new set of 18 year old tits?
Its worth a shot.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
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