I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
You don't understand. This boy has the Mona Lisa of cocks.
Randomize
