You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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