just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
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