the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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