Don't make out with my wife yet
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
