I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
