Please, let me fuck your mom
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Randomize
