I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
