So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
