he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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