U Should have said " it's ok baby most girls Sh*t when I do that.
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
