my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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