Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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