Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
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