dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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