i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize