My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
You've changed since you got that strap on
Randomize
