I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i cant belive i got a ticket! i know what his dick tastes like!
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
