Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
Randomize
