Apparently you make a good broom.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
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