I have demons in me.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
