There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize