why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
